Death is an unfortunate part of life….

The memories of being a child are what we have to live for, it is what keeps us going, and it is what makes us who we are today.

I received a text a couple of days ago that said my grandma was not doing well and that my dad was going to visit her at the nursing home because he had gotten a phone call. I kept up to date with my sister and dad in order to ensure that I knew what was going on. I live 1200 miles away, all I want is to be included still. Everyone has made sure they include me as much as they can. As much as I want to drive home or fly home, I am unsure that is actually an option at this point. I have a race this weekend that I’ve paid money for, I have a birthday party next week, and my daughters birthday the following week- without knowing when she is going to pass, it is hard to know when I could come home. Plus I live here, this is my life, it is hard to jump up and leave it for a few days. Now, many people would question why I would even want to go to my grandma’s funeral- especially if you knew me. I haven’t seen my grandma in about six years, she has never met either of my children, but there was some sort of a falling out with my family and the children got the ugly end of the stick.

Growing up, there is not a memory that my grandparents are not in. Whether it was my moms side or my dads side. I remember going to my Grandma and Grandpa Haiflich’s lake house every summer and on the weekends at times. I remember going to their house and running through the corn field and running next door to hang out with my cousins and my aunt. I remember the kitchen table and the times they played cards. I remember feeling a part of a family unit, that no longer exists today. Part of being a child is reveling in the moments of your family, being able to hold on to something that is supposed to always be there- family, but in the end it sometimes turns out that they are not always there for you. I remember going shopping with my Grandma and my sister at the mall, we got to spend an entire weekend with her, it was a lot of fun. These are the only memories I have left, once I turned into a teenager, my family time was gone- our family had self-destructed after my grandpa passed away and we never really saw each other again. Most of that side of my family I have not seen since I was 18 years old, although I am able to be friends with a lot of them on FB thanks to social networking, especially since all of us children were the ones who were left hurt. Adults and their adult problems tore a family apart, although I still do not know what ever happened nor do I really care to know- I just wish that we didn’t have to miss out on all the family things, we never got invited to anything anymore and it was sad to not be able to be a part of it all. Now, I sit here with my last grandparent hanging on by a thread, living in Florida, missing the memories that could have been made, waiting on a phone call.

Most people would not understand the pain I feel with what is happening. I am upset because living so far away I knew that things were going to happen, mostly though I feared that something would happen to my dad or step mom because I know the shape their health is in. I am sad because I do not know what is going to happen and that there is nothing I can change about not having memories with family. We all make our own choices and we could have gotten a hold of someone to still be a part of things. I am mad that death is a part of life, although I am someone who is pretty numb to it nowadays after being a CNA for so long- I watched a lot of people die, I was close to a lot of them, I cried by their bedside when they died, I had loved them, once you feel so much pain you begin to not “care” as much about anyone and then when you lose them you won’t feel the pain. I’ve grown accustomed to it and I think I sometimes use it in my life as well, if I can’t feel the pain then nothing can hurt me.

Death is a part of life, but it does bring us closer to God. I know it is hard to understand who God really is and if he really is out there somewhere, but I like to think there is someone who cares more about me than I do. I like to think there is a palace somewhere waiting for me, with a lazy river and a mango tango. It’s about believing in something that is bigger than yourself and believing that there is a plan for everything. I know that my grandma is ready to go, she has been since my grandpa left. The day he died she stood by his bed side and screamed and cried for him to come back. The day he left us was the day she really left us to. To find someone you have given your whole life too, someone you have given your whole heart to, and then one day they are no longer there. That’s the lesson behind all of this. People are going to walk in and out of our lives, it is our job to make it worth the while, it is our job to let go and learn to love and grow and trust, no matter what the end result is. We are not guaranteed another second of life, we are not guaranteed another moment, do not let resentment or greed or selfishness get in the way of anything. Take the opportunity to care about everyone, and in the end if you get hurt or you lose someone, at least it will all be worth it. Time heals all wounds and we will be able to continue on, God will not let us down and he will not let us fall to a place where we can never get up.

It doesn’t matter where my family has gone, I still have love for my Grandma, she was and still is a part of my family and who I am. May God be with you Grandma and let you go in peace without suffering.

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-strength-25-encouraging-scripture-quotes/#ixzz1t9Xb52PN

Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,   I will fear no evil, for you are with me;   your rod and your staff,    they comfort me.