Some people are faced with a life decision much earlier than the age that I am now- but apparently I hit this split later in my life. Usually when you are in high school you have to make a decision on where you want to go to school- do you even want to go to school? Where are you going to work? Where are you going to live? There are so many questions to face and you were excited for it all right up until the moment you actually realized what being an adult was all about.
The perfect scenario: Graduate high school, go to a good college, get a degree in something that will actually have a good chance of producing a job (especially if you have to pay student loans), become stable in your career, get married, have children,….. live happily ever after----
Oh wait, that only happens in the fairy tale stories that I sit and read my children every night. Gosh, how I wish I could be Cinderella or Belle.. they all got there happily ever after, even though they endured a little hardship. Life is not a fairytale though and as children we tend to think that it is- mostly because those are the stories we always hear about, unable to truly process “feelings.”
My scenario: Graduated high school, moved to Minnesota to go to a great school, found out I was pregnant one month after I turned 19, moved back home, quit school, went to work full time, had a baby, got married at 20….. at 24 started school again, (had 2 kids now), worked full time, and got a divorce. Wow- that was a fairy tale if I ever heard one.
Now I am on my way to completing my Bachelor’s degree for Criminal Justice, raising my two (wonderful, most of the time) children, and working out all the time. The other night I was lying in bed and I feel like I was hit with a major panic attack- life attacked me while I was trying to sleep. I sat there and asked “What the hell are you doing Jamie???” Maybe it was the first time I thought this since my life had done a complete whirlwind in the past two years.. it’s been almost two years exactly since all the major changes occurred. I thought about Where I was headed, what I wanted out of life and what I was doing in order to get there, what I wanted for my children and how I was going to get that, how I would make my ex pay for his children too, and why I was going to school for criminal justice when I was never going to be able to find a job with that degree. I sat and thought that maybe I could just go to school for nursing since I had been in that field before and we will always need nurses- I could at least get a job and start making good money.. I’ve always wanted to be a personal trainer as well because I love to work out and If I can make people feel the way I do about not only exercise but food as well- then it would be a win win, but becoming a personal trainer would be hard to get started… I have $25,000 in student loans as of right now and I do not have a job in the career I want.. nor do I see myself magically finding a job- or knowing the “right people” to get my foot in the door. How has life come to that? It’s no longer really about your experience or education, it is about who you know and what they can do for you. The anxiety attack only got me down for a little while- until my sleep medication kicked in.
So now I’ve come to the conclusion- I don’t want to grow up anymore, I just want to go back to being a kid with no worries in the world. Kids these days really have no idea how great it is to be a child. They are upset because they cant be as independent as they want to be, but gosh it’s better than having the whole world rest on your shoulders, hoping and praying to God that you are making the right decisions and if you don’t- hopefully god will be there by your side.
“God can bless a good decision, and God can redeem a bad decision, but God can do nothing with indecision.” (Pastor Jason tash)
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