I remember the tiny creation you once were, something that I could only dream about. I remember the feelings and the sensations that filled my entire body. I remember the emotions that I had when I first saw you, first got to hold you.
You were my child, I could not believe that I was holding you in my arms for the first time. The overwhelming feeling of being a parent- whether it was the first time or not- it was always overwhelming and exciting. The fact that God had created a miracle inside of you, the fact that God allowed you to be able to feel this miracle moving and growing, the fact that God enabled us to pro-create; what a beautiful thing.
I always said I wanted to be a better parent than my parents were- I think it’s more of a cliché when that statement is made than anything because looking back, sure my parents weren’t rich- couldn’t give me everything I wanted in the world (Although I must admit I think I matured and became more responsible because of this) and we didn’t have the picture perfect family, but there isn’t a memory that fills my head that doesn’t revolve around one or both of my parents. They taught me everything I knew- to a certain point, obviously things I know today are from my own mistakes and experiences as well as school, but for the most part your parent is your whole world- the ones you know will always be there for you. The trust that you can put in your parents as a child is amazing, and somehow through the years we adapt the reality of what trust really entails and we lose that sense of trust regardless of what anyone has done to us. I know that I am not the world’s greatest parent by any means, but I’m not trying to be. I am only wishing that I can be a teacher, a provider, and a good example for my children. I want to be their mother first and their friend second; both I think are equally important. I couldn’t provide my children with the perfect childhood due to the fact that I chose to get a divorce and take my children away from their father, regardless of what is truly best for them or not; also because I am still in school and have made no career for myself- which means I am unable to provide for them how I should or could. I always wanted to allow them to learn and do things that I never got to because my parents could never afford, but I am slowing learning that my life is almost like that of my parents. Regardless of any of these clichés, the bottom line still remains: they are only ours for a little while- we have these precious moments and memories to teach them right from wrong, to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and to see them change from a child into an adult. One day they will go out into the real world by themselves and all we can do is watch because one day we must let them go. Cherish every moment with them… even knowing that in a couple of hours they will call or text you because you are still their parents and no matter how far they are- they will always need you in their life.
I want to hold onto my children as long as possible because as much as they drive me crazy, I have loved every moment of being a mother- from start to finish. I have loved watching them start as a baby and learn to walk and talk (although I wished for it, it is something that is somewhat dreaded nowadays!), turn into preschoolers and learn about the world, and now into young children truly learning about life. When they start to talk about cute boys and people who are mean- you know they are seeing the cycle of life. I will never understand the imaginations of children, nor do I have to. I can simply sit back and watch the creativity happen and revel in every single second of it. Of course I am not ready for my baby years to be over and I am definitely not ready for my children to grow up, they are slowing doing it though, but I still remember every moment.
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