Are you standing still or moving on?

 Sometimes it seems like life is a revolving circle just full of routine, but there is so much that happens that makes me wonder. After I graduated high school, I applied for a college, moved away from home, thought I had it altogether.. then it all fell apart so quickly and I saw those around me kept moving forward- why did it feel like I was standing still?

            Sometimes I find that it is very easy to be envious of others when our life doesn’t seem as brightly shining. I remember seeing some of the people I had gone to school with during all of my school years and I had wished that I could have had the same opportunities as they did. Sometimes I wonder what God really had in store for me, what was/is my true purpose? I am almost 26- not done with school yet, have no career, my children are growing up so fast, I am divorced, haven’t ‘traveled’ the world.. the list really could go on. I know that I want to be a mother more than anything and that has made me happier than anything else in life. I have went through experiences that most of them haven’t yet.. and even when they’ve had children I will still have one that is five years older than theirs. I’ve been there and done that as a parent, I’ve been there and done that as a wife… but I never got to experience me. I never got to find who I was. There are times when I look through Facebook and browse my friends list and see what others have been able to accomplish in their lives. Reading about all the exciting things that other’s have gotten to do makes me want to de-friend them because I do not want to have those envious feelings. Maybe some people would be envious of me and my life, I don’t know and I’m not sure why.

            Since I have moved I continue to think about ‘what life could have been like.’ What would I be doing if I was still back home? I put the scenario in my head, but doing so makes me feel like I think the whole world stops because of a choice that I made. I still keep in contact with people and I know some of the things that are going on and it makes me wonder if I am just standing still. I feel as though I do not move on as the times move on, I feel as though I want the world to stand still until I truly make the choices in my life that I am supposed to. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing anymore, I have said a thousand times to myself that I should change my major because I probably won’t be able to find a job. After putting all the hard work and money into my field though it seems hard to just change something. But where am I supposed to be going?

            I know that the place I think I could work at or the house I think I could pay for are all scenarios that I have created in my head because I feel that the world is at a standstill. Sometimes I wish life could be like that movie ‘Pause’ with Adam Sandler because then we could have the ability to change some things around. I don’t mind making mistakes but sometimes I get tired of feeling like I’m running around in circles not knowing where I am supposed to be. I don’t think I know how to truly move on from things, I just stand still and follow. I wish I was as strong as I pretend I am. Being physically strong and mentally strong are two different things.. There are also many different levels as well. I think I am mentally strong, but in different areas.