You will NEVER be Happy

Someone once told me: “Jamie you will NEVER be happy. No matter what you do or who you’re with- it won’t ever make you happy. You always find something wrong, you always look for faults in others. This will make you unhappy for the rest of your life.”

Unfortunately the person who said this to me is probably the last person I would listen to today, however it is also the same person who probably knew me better than anyone else. In life we allow others to get to know us, to become close to us; we put ourselves in vulnerable situations in order to make relationships. When those relationships begin to weaken, the first thing we rein in is our vulnerability. I allowed myself to be like an open book and I fell in love with someone I do not even know today. It is not because he has changed or I have changed, it’s because we have BOTH changed. Now that I have been through a divorce with him, I realize that the person I knew doesn’t really exist and I am unsure what part of the person I knew is even still there. I fell in love with someone who loved me more than their whole world, someone I thought I would always be with, until the lies started. After I found out about lie after lie I decided that I could not be with him any longer. In the months that followed there was so much that happened between the two of us, today we are able to talk face to face and on the phone without getting aggravated with one another. There is a part of me that will always think he still loves me and would be with me again and I guess at the same time I will always love him too. I could never be in love with him again because of who he is and what he has chosen to do with his life since I left, but I never really stopped loving him. I cried for days after I left him because I never knew if I was making the right decision, but I found out that I had. I finally felt okay with the choice I made and I finally felt happy about the choice I made, I knew that I was going to be ok. It is always a sad moment though when you know that the person you fell in love with when you were just a teenager is not the same person you are going to be with thirty years from that moment.

A couple months after I left he was still trying to contact me, still trying to get me to come back, but I couldn’t. He finally told me that I was never going to be happy, that I would never let anyone ever make me happy. When you hear that from an ex most people just think that they are just trying to hurt you, but I actually believed him, and I still do. I intentionally push every single person away from me because I don’t want someone to be so close to me that they know everything about me. He knew it all, there wasn’t a moment he didn’t know about, there wasn’t a time in my life that he wasn’t aware of, there wasn’t a person in my family or friends that he hadn’t met. There was only one person in my life that literally knew every aspect of who I was and he let me down. Where can you go from there? He told me that I push people away, now I will admit that my emotions are like a roller coaster and I never know where I am going to be let alone anyone else, but he always stood by my side and could normally make a bad moment good. Once I found out about everything he had done to me, I felt betrayed, hurt, heartbroken, and most of all- stupid. How could I let someone walk all over me? How could I let someone get to know me, to trust them, and then let them hurt me? How could I be so stupid? He tried to tell me that because of what I do to people i.e. push them away, I couldn’t ever let myself be happy. It seems that over time I have a tendency to push others away because the feelings that were once there aren’t anymore. I love the feeling of lust and desire and once that is gone all you are left with is the relationship that you have built- it really shows what you have created. I was still there in my marriage, unfortunately the other side was not and that was what hurt. Was I that ugly? Was I that fat? What was wrong with me for someone to do that?

Maybe I won’t ever be “happy,” but I don’t know; maybe I will. Maybe I will just fall in love with love, but maybe I won’t. I do not know what is going to happen, but I do know that what he told me is the truth to an extent- how far I’m not sure. Ask me when I’m 80 how my life turned out. It’s just funny how someone can still know everything about you, yet as time goes on I push myself to forget.