You Can Be Anything You Want To Be!

I would give anything some days to be three again, but then again I am twenty-five and every once and a while I get to pretend that I am three.

I get to be a ghost hunter squirting all the ghosts, trying to capture them, with my jelly gun. I get to be a construction worker and build houses, fix screens and bikes, and hammer and weld things together. I get to be a dancer and singer and run around the house, but I don’t have to worry about someone not buying my music or dances because the one person who matters doesn’t care how bad I am at singing and dancing. I get to be a patient who is badly injured in need of a doctor who can help. I can always be a Dr.: Dr. Wabob at your service J I can fix anything that you need me to and I assure you that it will turn out okay. I can climb on the playground and swing on the swingset. I can be a scuba diver and go down the water slides and collect all the dive rings at the bottom of the pool. I  can be a chef and whip you up something good with just the bark and leaves from outside.

My son teaches me a lot about myself and all the things I really can do. I hope that I am able to open up his eyes as well when I let him imagination run wild. I watch him with pure fascination because I am amazed at what he is able to make-up and what he is able to remember. He really does make me the best person I can be.

The most important part of getting to be anything I want to be is being able to still be the mom at the end of the day. I can kiss away any boo-boos, I am the exterminator when I have to kill bugs, and I am a storyteller at bedtime. I get the best job of all. No matter where I go in life, I know that I will always be a mom.

I do not know about anything else in my life in any other aspect, but I do know that no one can take my children away from me and no one can tell me that I didn’t do a good job. Some days I feel like I could do more. “Here Logan, watch some cartoons, I need to clean, do homework, shower…” Before you know it Chloe is home and I feel that another day has washed away without me doing much with him. I always feel like I have to be the best I can be and take him on wild adventures and go spend money to have fun with him, but the moments where we get to use our imaginations together are some of the best moments that we can create.

There are days when I just want to crawl into a ball because I feel like I have not amounted to what I ever wanted, I have not completed what should have been done by this time in my age, that I have yet to make my own parents proud; BUT I have created two beautiful lives that help me retain my youth. I get to be a kid every once in a while, but I get to be a full time mom. I have an excuse to act like the ghosts are chasing after us at a playground filled with people, I get to act crazy because I broke my fake arm and my son has to fix it, I get to wear the construction goggles when we build something together just because I can, because it’s fun, because it makes them laugh. Their laugh is contagious, beautiful, and heartwarming. I do not think there could ever be a person who I love more than anything besides those two lives I created, except of course another part of me or two or three more J I am thankful to their dad for giving me two of the best gifts that God could ever give me. I am thankful for the moments I have with them. 

Listening is worth more than a lot of things

It amazes me lately how well everyone around me has been listening to me, what has happened to my listening skills? The people around me have been listening well to me and I don’t even realize that I have said things. They are listening and I am not.

In middle school we used to have these things called “Natural Helpers.” These were people who were ‘elected’ by their peers because they were considered the best listeners, people who anyone could turn to in order to talk about their problems and expect the other person to be attentive and potentially give good advice. I was one of those people for three years in a row, every year I was elected as one and I loved it. I got to leave school for activities that helped enhance my listening skills as well as other abilities in regards to being a good friend. I used to have pictures to a lot of these things, but after the fire I am not sure that I have a lot of things left. A whole entire part of my life was in a box that I had forgotten about and I will never see it again, if there was even much left after the fire. Anyways, for three years straight I was told I was one of the best listeners, what has happened to me then?

                My best friend got me a birthday present that has to be one of the best I have ever received. She gave me a necklace that has 13.1 on it to remind myself of what I have accomplished, I continually get better and better with running and for her to know that it is something I love more than anything amazes me. How did she know that this was something I would love so much? We unfortunately do not talk often enough, texts are few and far between, emails have been a couple of times, facebook is the easiest way to connect, and phone calls are almost nonexistent- this was the person that I remember talking on the phone for hours and hours when we were growing up. We talked about everything. Over the years we lost contact and somehow she still knows me. It’s sad because I feel like I do not listen enough, I feel like I do not know her like I should. If she’s my best friend shouldn’t I feel like I know everything about her? I do not listen well enough at all.

                At my daughters birthday party this past weekend she had all of her friends and we invited some people that we met while living down here in Florida. The mother I have grown pretty close with and it is nice to have someone around here to be able to talk to and to go out with if we need to or can. For my daughter’s present she got her a digital camera and scrapbook kit thing from Crayola. How did she know that I loved to scrapbook and that Chloe likes to sit down with me and do her own? I have only known her since January and she already knows me this well? I do not understand where my listening skills went to or my memory.

                I always give Brian a hard time for not remembering things, but I am beginning to wonder if I am able to remember anything at all either. I do not remember telling me things half of the time. I told my sister that I think a lot of it is that I do not have a lot of people to talk to down here, I rarely speak to anyone, so when I am given the opportunity to talk to someone, I do most of the talking and do not listen as well anymore. I get so excited to be able to have a conversation with someone other than my children or Brian. I just want to be able to talk to people about adult things and not just about my life. I feel like I don’t have a lot of friends, I have grown into a different life and they have as well, the ones that remain by my side are the true ones. I used to love listening to people, I used to love talking about problems and trying to help others get past issues that were going on in their lives. I used to love to listen, I never liked to talk that much and really I still don’t like to talk that much. I have definitely started to grow out of my shy tendency especially since having my children, I have been forced to speak to more people and be more open with things because they are making friends and wanting to do things.

                Listening is such a vital part of who we are, in order to know anything about where we are going and what we are doing, we need to listen. I never realized how important this skill was and I never realized that I had lost it. It’s sad to think that there are people out there that know me so well, that listen so well, yet I have not given them the same respect. Do they think I talk too much? Do they think I am a bad person for not listening well? All I can do is start listening now, start really listening to what everyone is saying around me. Most of the time it is in the small things that are said that you find the most truth and the most answers. I know that I can really get to know others if I truly open up my ears, because I know I have a great memory, there’s no way I would forget learning something.

                Listen- because you never know when the last chance you might have at listening to someone, it really is more important than it seems.

You will NEVER be Happy

Someone once told me: “Jamie you will NEVER be happy. No matter what you do or who you’re with- it won’t ever make you happy. You always find something wrong, you always look for faults in others. This will make you unhappy for the rest of your life.”

Unfortunately the person who said this to me is probably the last person I would listen to today, however it is also the same person who probably knew me better than anyone else. In life we allow others to get to know us, to become close to us; we put ourselves in vulnerable situations in order to make relationships. When those relationships begin to weaken, the first thing we rein in is our vulnerability. I allowed myself to be like an open book and I fell in love with someone I do not even know today. It is not because he has changed or I have changed, it’s because we have BOTH changed. Now that I have been through a divorce with him, I realize that the person I knew doesn’t really exist and I am unsure what part of the person I knew is even still there. I fell in love with someone who loved me more than their whole world, someone I thought I would always be with, until the lies started. After I found out about lie after lie I decided that I could not be with him any longer. In the months that followed there was so much that happened between the two of us, today we are able to talk face to face and on the phone without getting aggravated with one another. There is a part of me that will always think he still loves me and would be with me again and I guess at the same time I will always love him too. I could never be in love with him again because of who he is and what he has chosen to do with his life since I left, but I never really stopped loving him. I cried for days after I left him because I never knew if I was making the right decision, but I found out that I had. I finally felt okay with the choice I made and I finally felt happy about the choice I made, I knew that I was going to be ok. It is always a sad moment though when you know that the person you fell in love with when you were just a teenager is not the same person you are going to be with thirty years from that moment.

A couple months after I left he was still trying to contact me, still trying to get me to come back, but I couldn’t. He finally told me that I was never going to be happy, that I would never let anyone ever make me happy. When you hear that from an ex most people just think that they are just trying to hurt you, but I actually believed him, and I still do. I intentionally push every single person away from me because I don’t want someone to be so close to me that they know everything about me. He knew it all, there wasn’t a moment he didn’t know about, there wasn’t a time in my life that he wasn’t aware of, there wasn’t a person in my family or friends that he hadn’t met. There was only one person in my life that literally knew every aspect of who I was and he let me down. Where can you go from there? He told me that I push people away, now I will admit that my emotions are like a roller coaster and I never know where I am going to be let alone anyone else, but he always stood by my side and could normally make a bad moment good. Once I found out about everything he had done to me, I felt betrayed, hurt, heartbroken, and most of all- stupid. How could I let someone walk all over me? How could I let someone get to know me, to trust them, and then let them hurt me? How could I be so stupid? He tried to tell me that because of what I do to people i.e. push them away, I couldn’t ever let myself be happy. It seems that over time I have a tendency to push others away because the feelings that were once there aren’t anymore. I love the feeling of lust and desire and once that is gone all you are left with is the relationship that you have built- it really shows what you have created. I was still there in my marriage, unfortunately the other side was not and that was what hurt. Was I that ugly? Was I that fat? What was wrong with me for someone to do that?

Maybe I won’t ever be “happy,” but I don’t know; maybe I will. Maybe I will just fall in love with love, but maybe I won’t. I do not know what is going to happen, but I do know that what he told me is the truth to an extent- how far I’m not sure. Ask me when I’m 80 how my life turned out. It’s just funny how someone can still know everything about you, yet as time goes on I push myself to forget.

Temptation: it’s something that eats at us all.

That candy bar in the checkout aisle is calling your name. You don’t know how to avoid picking it up and just paying for the darn thing already. I love chocolate and candy just as much as the next person. There are days that I am not sure that I can go on living without it. I’ve tried to find some healthier ways of incorporating chocolate into my diet though without going overboard. I love ice cream, but I think it’s just the late night snack that I love more than anything. I have made smoothies and froze them, then at night when I take it out of the freezer I put a little chocolate syrup on it just to make it feel like I am eating the ice cream. I am getting the health side of it, yet I still get my chocolate.

Some of the other ways I have incorporated Chocolate and candy is buying the dark chocolate chips. I look for the bags that have a higher percent of cocoa in it in order to ensure a good quality piece of chocolate. There are a lot of people out there who think they cannot have candy and still maintain their figure or lose weight, but I beg to differ. I do not think there is a way that I could ever ban eating candy or chocolate forever, it is a part of who I am J Fortunately, I run all the time and I continue to work out, I still lose weight and I still continue to grow stronger, having that piece of temptation every now and then does not kill you. This blog is really just about my love for chocolate. I love it so much and right now I need some!!!

Are you standing still or moving on?

 Sometimes it seems like life is a revolving circle just full of routine, but there is so much that happens that makes me wonder. After I graduated high school, I applied for a college, moved away from home, thought I had it altogether.. then it all fell apart so quickly and I saw those around me kept moving forward- why did it feel like I was standing still?

            Sometimes I find that it is very easy to be envious of others when our life doesn’t seem as brightly shining. I remember seeing some of the people I had gone to school with during all of my school years and I had wished that I could have had the same opportunities as they did. Sometimes I wonder what God really had in store for me, what was/is my true purpose? I am almost 26- not done with school yet, have no career, my children are growing up so fast, I am divorced, haven’t ‘traveled’ the world.. the list really could go on. I know that I want to be a mother more than anything and that has made me happier than anything else in life. I have went through experiences that most of them haven’t yet.. and even when they’ve had children I will still have one that is five years older than theirs. I’ve been there and done that as a parent, I’ve been there and done that as a wife… but I never got to experience me. I never got to find who I was. There are times when I look through Facebook and browse my friends list and see what others have been able to accomplish in their lives. Reading about all the exciting things that other’s have gotten to do makes me want to de-friend them because I do not want to have those envious feelings. Maybe some people would be envious of me and my life, I don’t know and I’m not sure why.

            Since I have moved I continue to think about ‘what life could have been like.’ What would I be doing if I was still back home? I put the scenario in my head, but doing so makes me feel like I think the whole world stops because of a choice that I made. I still keep in contact with people and I know some of the things that are going on and it makes me wonder if I am just standing still. I feel as though I do not move on as the times move on, I feel as though I want the world to stand still until I truly make the choices in my life that I am supposed to. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing anymore, I have said a thousand times to myself that I should change my major because I probably won’t be able to find a job. After putting all the hard work and money into my field though it seems hard to just change something. But where am I supposed to be going?

            I know that the place I think I could work at or the house I think I could pay for are all scenarios that I have created in my head because I feel that the world is at a standstill. Sometimes I wish life could be like that movie ‘Pause’ with Adam Sandler because then we could have the ability to change some things around. I don’t mind making mistakes but sometimes I get tired of feeling like I’m running around in circles not knowing where I am supposed to be. I don’t think I know how to truly move on from things, I just stand still and follow. I wish I was as strong as I pretend I am. Being physically strong and mentally strong are two different things.. There are also many different levels as well. I think I am mentally strong, but in different areas.

Is anyone out there?

It’s those moments in life when you realize you are all alone. The moments you find yourself searching through your texts and phone book wondering who are actually your friends. The moments you realize who you are.

Growing up I was the girl who had a decent amount of friends, someone who always had someone to turn to. I have never counted on myself and never trusted my own intuition. I guess I am not as independent as I always thought. I was always the girl who had a boyfriend, couldn’t continue living unless there was a boy by my side. Thinking of it now I have never actually been ‘single’ since about 6^th grade. Seems so draining just to think about 14 years of straight dating. What about the girl nights? The sister dinners? I was always too busy with boys.

Sometimes I regret decisions I have made, but I think we all do to a certain extent. Really- I regret a lot. The only things I don’t regret are having my two children and getting a divorce. Everything in between has regret. Although I know there is not much I can do because I can never go back in life, but I want to be able to tell my children things that I did that I regret, so maybe they can change their life and enjoy it more. I think life is about learning so that we are able to pass advice on from generation to generation- but at the same time what is the point of life really? I have yet to figure out what life really is about. I do not know at all. 

I am the type of girl that falls in love quickly, but never learns to trust. I know a man is never really the person he puts off to be in the beginning. They always change and not always for the better. A man can have me eating out of his hands in minutes because the only thing I want is to feel  loved. Unfortunately that feeling only lasts for  a little while. The good part about my kids is that they love me unconditionally- no matter what they love who I am and what I look like. I don’t have to work out hard to maintain a figure for them because they don’t care. I don’t have to try to go out of my way for things becayes they will love me anyways. The only people on this earth who love me regardless of anything are my children. Maybe I’ve been selfish. Maybe that’s what it all boils down to, I’m not sure. But lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of regret and I don’t know what to do with it all.

Death is an unfortunate part of life….

The memories of being a child are what we have to live for, it is what keeps us going, and it is what makes us who we are today.

I received a text a couple of days ago that said my grandma was not doing well and that my dad was going to visit her at the nursing home because he had gotten a phone call. I kept up to date with my sister and dad in order to ensure that I knew what was going on. I live 1200 miles away, all I want is to be included still. Everyone has made sure they include me as much as they can. As much as I want to drive home or fly home, I am unsure that is actually an option at this point. I have a race this weekend that I’ve paid money for, I have a birthday party next week, and my daughters birthday the following week- without knowing when she is going to pass, it is hard to know when I could come home. Plus I live here, this is my life, it is hard to jump up and leave it for a few days. Now, many people would question why I would even want to go to my grandma’s funeral- especially if you knew me. I haven’t seen my grandma in about six years, she has never met either of my children, but there was some sort of a falling out with my family and the children got the ugly end of the stick.

Growing up, there is not a memory that my grandparents are not in. Whether it was my moms side or my dads side. I remember going to my Grandma and Grandpa Haiflich’s lake house every summer and on the weekends at times. I remember going to their house and running through the corn field and running next door to hang out with my cousins and my aunt. I remember the kitchen table and the times they played cards. I remember feeling a part of a family unit, that no longer exists today. Part of being a child is reveling in the moments of your family, being able to hold on to something that is supposed to always be there- family, but in the end it sometimes turns out that they are not always there for you. I remember going shopping with my Grandma and my sister at the mall, we got to spend an entire weekend with her, it was a lot of fun. These are the only memories I have left, once I turned into a teenager, my family time was gone- our family had self-destructed after my grandpa passed away and we never really saw each other again. Most of that side of my family I have not seen since I was 18 years old, although I am able to be friends with a lot of them on FB thanks to social networking, especially since all of us children were the ones who were left hurt. Adults and their adult problems tore a family apart, although I still do not know what ever happened nor do I really care to know- I just wish that we didn’t have to miss out on all the family things, we never got invited to anything anymore and it was sad to not be able to be a part of it all. Now, I sit here with my last grandparent hanging on by a thread, living in Florida, missing the memories that could have been made, waiting on a phone call.

Most people would not understand the pain I feel with what is happening. I am upset because living so far away I knew that things were going to happen, mostly though I feared that something would happen to my dad or step mom because I know the shape their health is in. I am sad because I do not know what is going to happen and that there is nothing I can change about not having memories with family. We all make our own choices and we could have gotten a hold of someone to still be a part of things. I am mad that death is a part of life, although I am someone who is pretty numb to it nowadays after being a CNA for so long- I watched a lot of people die, I was close to a lot of them, I cried by their bedside when they died, I had loved them, once you feel so much pain you begin to not “care” as much about anyone and then when you lose them you won’t feel the pain. I’ve grown accustomed to it and I think I sometimes use it in my life as well, if I can’t feel the pain then nothing can hurt me.

Death is a part of life, but it does bring us closer to God. I know it is hard to understand who God really is and if he really is out there somewhere, but I like to think there is someone who cares more about me than I do. I like to think there is a palace somewhere waiting for me, with a lazy river and a mango tango. It’s about believing in something that is bigger than yourself and believing that there is a plan for everything. I know that my grandma is ready to go, she has been since my grandpa left. The day he died she stood by his bed side and screamed and cried for him to come back. The day he left us was the day she really left us to. To find someone you have given your whole life too, someone you have given your whole heart to, and then one day they are no longer there. That’s the lesson behind all of this. People are going to walk in and out of our lives, it is our job to make it worth the while, it is our job to let go and learn to love and grow and trust, no matter what the end result is. We are not guaranteed another second of life, we are not guaranteed another moment, do not let resentment or greed or selfishness get in the way of anything. Take the opportunity to care about everyone, and in the end if you get hurt or you lose someone, at least it will all be worth it. Time heals all wounds and we will be able to continue on, God will not let us down and he will not let us fall to a place where we can never get up.

It doesn’t matter where my family has gone, I still have love for my Grandma, she was and still is a part of my family and who I am. May God be with you Grandma and let you go in peace without suffering.

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-strength-25-encouraging-scripture-quotes/#ixzz1t9Xb52PN

Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,   I will fear no evil, for you are with me;   your rod and your staff,    they comfort me.