Temptation: it’s something that eats at us all.

That candy bar in the checkout aisle is calling your name. You don’t know how to avoid picking it up and just paying for the darn thing already. I love chocolate and candy just as much as the next person. There are days that I am not sure that I can go on living without it. I’ve tried to find some healthier ways of incorporating chocolate into my diet though without going overboard. I love ice cream, but I think it’s just the late night snack that I love more than anything. I have made smoothies and froze them, then at night when I take it out of the freezer I put a little chocolate syrup on it just to make it feel like I am eating the ice cream. I am getting the health side of it, yet I still get my chocolate.

Some of the other ways I have incorporated Chocolate and candy is buying the dark chocolate chips. I look for the bags that have a higher percent of cocoa in it in order to ensure a good quality piece of chocolate. There are a lot of people out there who think they cannot have candy and still maintain their figure or lose weight, but I beg to differ. I do not think there is a way that I could ever ban eating candy or chocolate forever, it is a part of who I am J Fortunately, I run all the time and I continue to work out, I still lose weight and I still continue to grow stronger, having that piece of temptation every now and then does not kill you. This blog is really just about my love for chocolate. I love it so much and right now I need some!!!

Are you standing still or moving on?

 Sometimes it seems like life is a revolving circle just full of routine, but there is so much that happens that makes me wonder. After I graduated high school, I applied for a college, moved away from home, thought I had it altogether.. then it all fell apart so quickly and I saw those around me kept moving forward- why did it feel like I was standing still?

            Sometimes I find that it is very easy to be envious of others when our life doesn’t seem as brightly shining. I remember seeing some of the people I had gone to school with during all of my school years and I had wished that I could have had the same opportunities as they did. Sometimes I wonder what God really had in store for me, what was/is my true purpose? I am almost 26- not done with school yet, have no career, my children are growing up so fast, I am divorced, haven’t ‘traveled’ the world.. the list really could go on. I know that I want to be a mother more than anything and that has made me happier than anything else in life. I have went through experiences that most of them haven’t yet.. and even when they’ve had children I will still have one that is five years older than theirs. I’ve been there and done that as a parent, I’ve been there and done that as a wife… but I never got to experience me. I never got to find who I was. There are times when I look through Facebook and browse my friends list and see what others have been able to accomplish in their lives. Reading about all the exciting things that other’s have gotten to do makes me want to de-friend them because I do not want to have those envious feelings. Maybe some people would be envious of me and my life, I don’t know and I’m not sure why.

            Since I have moved I continue to think about ‘what life could have been like.’ What would I be doing if I was still back home? I put the scenario in my head, but doing so makes me feel like I think the whole world stops because of a choice that I made. I still keep in contact with people and I know some of the things that are going on and it makes me wonder if I am just standing still. I feel as though I do not move on as the times move on, I feel as though I want the world to stand still until I truly make the choices in my life that I am supposed to. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing anymore, I have said a thousand times to myself that I should change my major because I probably won’t be able to find a job. After putting all the hard work and money into my field though it seems hard to just change something. But where am I supposed to be going?

            I know that the place I think I could work at or the house I think I could pay for are all scenarios that I have created in my head because I feel that the world is at a standstill. Sometimes I wish life could be like that movie ‘Pause’ with Adam Sandler because then we could have the ability to change some things around. I don’t mind making mistakes but sometimes I get tired of feeling like I’m running around in circles not knowing where I am supposed to be. I don’t think I know how to truly move on from things, I just stand still and follow. I wish I was as strong as I pretend I am. Being physically strong and mentally strong are two different things.. There are also many different levels as well. I think I am mentally strong, but in different areas.

Is anyone out there?

It’s those moments in life when you realize you are all alone. The moments you find yourself searching through your texts and phone book wondering who are actually your friends. The moments you realize who you are.

Growing up I was the girl who had a decent amount of friends, someone who always had someone to turn to. I have never counted on myself and never trusted my own intuition. I guess I am not as independent as I always thought. I was always the girl who had a boyfriend, couldn’t continue living unless there was a boy by my side. Thinking of it now I have never actually been ‘single’ since about 6^th grade. Seems so draining just to think about 14 years of straight dating. What about the girl nights? The sister dinners? I was always too busy with boys.

Sometimes I regret decisions I have made, but I think we all do to a certain extent. Really- I regret a lot. The only things I don’t regret are having my two children and getting a divorce. Everything in between has regret. Although I know there is not much I can do because I can never go back in life, but I want to be able to tell my children things that I did that I regret, so maybe they can change their life and enjoy it more. I think life is about learning so that we are able to pass advice on from generation to generation- but at the same time what is the point of life really? I have yet to figure out what life really is about. I do not know at all. 

I am the type of girl that falls in love quickly, but never learns to trust. I know a man is never really the person he puts off to be in the beginning. They always change and not always for the better. A man can have me eating out of his hands in minutes because the only thing I want is to feel  loved. Unfortunately that feeling only lasts for  a little while. The good part about my kids is that they love me unconditionally- no matter what they love who I am and what I look like. I don’t have to work out hard to maintain a figure for them because they don’t care. I don’t have to try to go out of my way for things becayes they will love me anyways. The only people on this earth who love me regardless of anything are my children. Maybe I’ve been selfish. Maybe that’s what it all boils down to, I’m not sure. But lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of regret and I don’t know what to do with it all.

Death is an unfortunate part of life….

The memories of being a child are what we have to live for, it is what keeps us going, and it is what makes us who we are today.

I received a text a couple of days ago that said my grandma was not doing well and that my dad was going to visit her at the nursing home because he had gotten a phone call. I kept up to date with my sister and dad in order to ensure that I knew what was going on. I live 1200 miles away, all I want is to be included still. Everyone has made sure they include me as much as they can. As much as I want to drive home or fly home, I am unsure that is actually an option at this point. I have a race this weekend that I’ve paid money for, I have a birthday party next week, and my daughters birthday the following week- without knowing when she is going to pass, it is hard to know when I could come home. Plus I live here, this is my life, it is hard to jump up and leave it for a few days. Now, many people would question why I would even want to go to my grandma’s funeral- especially if you knew me. I haven’t seen my grandma in about six years, she has never met either of my children, but there was some sort of a falling out with my family and the children got the ugly end of the stick.

Growing up, there is not a memory that my grandparents are not in. Whether it was my moms side or my dads side. I remember going to my Grandma and Grandpa Haiflich’s lake house every summer and on the weekends at times. I remember going to their house and running through the corn field and running next door to hang out with my cousins and my aunt. I remember the kitchen table and the times they played cards. I remember feeling a part of a family unit, that no longer exists today. Part of being a child is reveling in the moments of your family, being able to hold on to something that is supposed to always be there- family, but in the end it sometimes turns out that they are not always there for you. I remember going shopping with my Grandma and my sister at the mall, we got to spend an entire weekend with her, it was a lot of fun. These are the only memories I have left, once I turned into a teenager, my family time was gone- our family had self-destructed after my grandpa passed away and we never really saw each other again. Most of that side of my family I have not seen since I was 18 years old, although I am able to be friends with a lot of them on FB thanks to social networking, especially since all of us children were the ones who were left hurt. Adults and their adult problems tore a family apart, although I still do not know what ever happened nor do I really care to know- I just wish that we didn’t have to miss out on all the family things, we never got invited to anything anymore and it was sad to not be able to be a part of it all. Now, I sit here with my last grandparent hanging on by a thread, living in Florida, missing the memories that could have been made, waiting on a phone call.

Most people would not understand the pain I feel with what is happening. I am upset because living so far away I knew that things were going to happen, mostly though I feared that something would happen to my dad or step mom because I know the shape their health is in. I am sad because I do not know what is going to happen and that there is nothing I can change about not having memories with family. We all make our own choices and we could have gotten a hold of someone to still be a part of things. I am mad that death is a part of life, although I am someone who is pretty numb to it nowadays after being a CNA for so long- I watched a lot of people die, I was close to a lot of them, I cried by their bedside when they died, I had loved them, once you feel so much pain you begin to not “care” as much about anyone and then when you lose them you won’t feel the pain. I’ve grown accustomed to it and I think I sometimes use it in my life as well, if I can’t feel the pain then nothing can hurt me.

Death is a part of life, but it does bring us closer to God. I know it is hard to understand who God really is and if he really is out there somewhere, but I like to think there is someone who cares more about me than I do. I like to think there is a palace somewhere waiting for me, with a lazy river and a mango tango. It’s about believing in something that is bigger than yourself and believing that there is a plan for everything. I know that my grandma is ready to go, she has been since my grandpa left. The day he died she stood by his bed side and screamed and cried for him to come back. The day he left us was the day she really left us to. To find someone you have given your whole life too, someone you have given your whole heart to, and then one day they are no longer there. That’s the lesson behind all of this. People are going to walk in and out of our lives, it is our job to make it worth the while, it is our job to let go and learn to love and grow and trust, no matter what the end result is. We are not guaranteed another second of life, we are not guaranteed another moment, do not let resentment or greed or selfishness get in the way of anything. Take the opportunity to care about everyone, and in the end if you get hurt or you lose someone, at least it will all be worth it. Time heals all wounds and we will be able to continue on, God will not let us down and he will not let us fall to a place where we can never get up.

It doesn’t matter where my family has gone, I still have love for my Grandma, she was and still is a part of my family and who I am. May God be with you Grandma and let you go in peace without suffering.

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-strength-25-encouraging-scripture-quotes/#ixzz1t9Xb52PN

Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,   I will fear no evil, for you are with me;   your rod and your staff,    they comfort me.

Sometimes I just want my momma!!!

Today I was faced with some hard decisions and some hard reality. After 4 ½ years I had to go to the dentist because of dental pain- I knew the outcome I would not like, but I was not prepared. Once arriving there I was told that both the teeth that were causing pain needed root canals (along with many other issues going on). I tried to fathom what I had done wrong… a root canal?? I can’t afford $1,200 per tooth- I don’t have insurance. So instead of trying to figure out how to fork out $2,400 on 2 teeth I decided to get those 2 teeth pulled and spend the other $2,000 saved on taking care of the rest of my mouth.

            I’m in shock that I’m getting rid of teeth that I will never get back, but it makes me appreciate the value of my teeth a lot more. Something I should have listened to my mom about. She always used to tell me that I needed to take care of my teeth, but I never really cared that much because I just always assumed that teeth could just be replaced, although they can- it is way more expensive.

            I have been hard on my kids about flossing daily, brushing at least once a day if not twice, and rinsing at least once a day if not twice- they always fight me on it, but I will continue to enforce it because if I start these habits today they will continue this for the rest of their life. We all love routines and if this is something they consider routine for them then hopefully I can save their teeth. I do not want my kids to be in the same predicament that I am finding myself in now because I will never get those teeth back. If I’m not careful and not smart then I could lose a lot more… taking time out for yourself is way more important. No one likes going to the dentist, but those are the kind of things you need to do for yourself. In the past 4 years if I would have paid $100 here and there to get a cleaning and check up maybe I could be saving my teeth and money in the long run. I always hate putting a large amount of money down now, but if it saves you in the long run then it really is worth it.

            I wish I could get insurance and hopefully I will be able to get it soon, but only time will tell..

            My mom usually was always the one that had been there for me. Every time I went to the dentist, every time I went to the doctor, when I was in the hospital, when I had my wisdom teeth out, when I had a miscarriage, when I had my D & C.. she was always the one that was there for me. She wasn’t there for me though this time because she wasn’t able to be. I was emotional because I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know if the right choice was getting rid of my teeth and trying to save the others or if I should have done a root canal. I was faced with so many things that all I wanted was someone there with me. Brian was taking care of Logan for me, otherwise I know he would have been there for me. I just wanted someone to tell me what to do, usually I don’t mind making decisions, but I’m always looking for approval- I always want someone to tell me that I’m doing the right thing. I think I need to start thinking about me and what is best for me. I still wanted my mom though.

(This was wrote a couple of weeks ago, not today! My teeth are doing much better thankfully!)

Parenting: Why do I never feel like I amount to something?

I always try to find these great ideas on crafts and DIY stuff to do with my kids. They never seem to ever be that interested in it. I always try to get my son to work on colors, letters, puzzles.. anything when my daughter is at school- but I usually find myself behind my computer or school books while he is standing in front of the television. Am I the only one that ever feels like an awful parent?

Sometimes I wish I could just afford to take my son to a daycare or something because than maybe he’d learn something or he’d be able to play with someone and use his imagination! I just wish I didn’t feel like this. I want him to excel in school and it seems like he has a pretty good memory- I want him to want to learn and want to be good at something. I want him to want to do something other than watch TV, but I am just as much to blame because I allow him to sit there and watch it.

Sometimes I wonder how I could possibly go to work again. Between trying to deal with Chloe’s schedule, clean the house, cook dinner and other things, teach Logan, plus do my own school work… how would I fit in work? Every day it also seems like Chloe’s teacher sends something home for us to work on. Every week it’s a list of things that we should work on, not to mention that her golf instructor wants us to work on skills with them, and then trying to do things together as a family. It seems as though it is non-stop! Then I have time to sit here and write out blogs but I guess I want to feel like other people know what I am talking about, that other parents feel like they are in the same predicament as I am.

Who doesn’t want their kids to be smart, who doesn’t want their kids to be good at something? I realized that in order for our children to be good at something we have to be able to allow them to do something. My kids cannot be good at singing if I don’t give them the tools to sing, my kids cannot be good at sports if I do not let them participate in them, my children cannot be good at school unless I push them to do what they need to…. The list goes on and on. Most of the famous people we see did have their ‘connections’ to people, but a lot of if it has to do with having the right tools to succeed- being good at something because they have been able to practice.

 My hope for my children: I want nothing but the best for you, I want you to succeed, I want you to be something someday- whatever you want to be. I love you more than life itself and there is no way I can honestly describe the way I feel for them. I have never loved something so much in my life and I do not think I ever could, being a parent has been the greatest gift I could have ever asked for…. I may not always be the best parent, or the most fun parent, or the smartest parent, or the most disciplined parent.. but my love is unconditional and I want nothing but the best for you.

The greatest of all is Love

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is no self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

It’s that time of year again when everyone wants to talk about love and they think that showing the person they love one day out of the whole year can prove something… Valentines Day- nothing more than a Hallmark Holiday, so why should I care about it? I like the idea behind it, the idea of being able to share a day with the people you love and appreciating every moment of it. The idea of not dealing with life and what is actually going on and just letting it all be put to the side.

I have watched all the Twilight movies and I just finished reading all of the books as well. After reading them it made me fall in love all over again with Edward; it made me envious of the love that Bella and Edward have. I fell in love with characters, but it was something that seemed so mesmerizing. I fell in love with the idea of love… the absolution of one single person, knowing without a doubt that you were both made for each other, wanting someone so much more than you could ever say or show, and never being able to get enough of someone. Is that not something to be envious of? I am so completely happy that the saga ended the way it did and that there was the happily ever after, because I mean really- who wants the never ending after? I know that it was just a fairy tale and that kind of “love” does not really exist in life or does it? While I was reading the book it was hard for me to not want to actually become a vampire, to not actually want to live in this book! I fell madly in love with these people, I fell madly in love with the place they lived, I fell madly in love with love. “No measure of time with you will be long enough… but let’s start with forever.”

The reason why I read books is because it allows me to go to a place in the world where nothing else exists, where nothing else matters- I can decide if I want to be in a sci-fi place, a criminal place, a fairy tale- I get to decide! I have the ability to be alone yet still exist, although most of the time it seems so real that I cannot see the difference. Love is like a fairy tale, they say it only happens once in a while- true love that is- but I know I’ve had more than one true love.

Love is worth every moment.. the feeling of love is worth every moment…

I know that you can have that overwhelming feeling that is more than lust, where you completely and utterly fall weak in the knees because of someone. The butterflies in your stomach curl up around all the way to your heart, the sensation carries throughout all your veins until finally it allows you to take another breath of air, the oxygen you didn’t even realize you’d been deprived of. The touch, so gentle, so soft… it caresses every piece of who you are.