Death is an unfortunate part of life….

The memories of being a child are what we have to live for, it is what keeps us going, and it is what makes us who we are today.

I received a text a couple of days ago that said my grandma was not doing well and that my dad was going to visit her at the nursing home because he had gotten a phone call. I kept up to date with my sister and dad in order to ensure that I knew what was going on. I live 1200 miles away, all I want is to be included still. Everyone has made sure they include me as much as they can. As much as I want to drive home or fly home, I am unsure that is actually an option at this point. I have a race this weekend that I’ve paid money for, I have a birthday party next week, and my daughters birthday the following week- without knowing when she is going to pass, it is hard to know when I could come home. Plus I live here, this is my life, it is hard to jump up and leave it for a few days. Now, many people would question why I would even want to go to my grandma’s funeral- especially if you knew me. I haven’t seen my grandma in about six years, she has never met either of my children, but there was some sort of a falling out with my family and the children got the ugly end of the stick.

Growing up, there is not a memory that my grandparents are not in. Whether it was my moms side or my dads side. I remember going to my Grandma and Grandpa Haiflich’s lake house every summer and on the weekends at times. I remember going to their house and running through the corn field and running next door to hang out with my cousins and my aunt. I remember the kitchen table and the times they played cards. I remember feeling a part of a family unit, that no longer exists today. Part of being a child is reveling in the moments of your family, being able to hold on to something that is supposed to always be there- family, but in the end it sometimes turns out that they are not always there for you. I remember going shopping with my Grandma and my sister at the mall, we got to spend an entire weekend with her, it was a lot of fun. These are the only memories I have left, once I turned into a teenager, my family time was gone- our family had self-destructed after my grandpa passed away and we never really saw each other again. Most of that side of my family I have not seen since I was 18 years old, although I am able to be friends with a lot of them on FB thanks to social networking, especially since all of us children were the ones who were left hurt. Adults and their adult problems tore a family apart, although I still do not know what ever happened nor do I really care to know- I just wish that we didn’t have to miss out on all the family things, we never got invited to anything anymore and it was sad to not be able to be a part of it all. Now, I sit here with my last grandparent hanging on by a thread, living in Florida, missing the memories that could have been made, waiting on a phone call.

Most people would not understand the pain I feel with what is happening. I am upset because living so far away I knew that things were going to happen, mostly though I feared that something would happen to my dad or step mom because I know the shape their health is in. I am sad because I do not know what is going to happen and that there is nothing I can change about not having memories with family. We all make our own choices and we could have gotten a hold of someone to still be a part of things. I am mad that death is a part of life, although I am someone who is pretty numb to it nowadays after being a CNA for so long- I watched a lot of people die, I was close to a lot of them, I cried by their bedside when they died, I had loved them, once you feel so much pain you begin to not “care” as much about anyone and then when you lose them you won’t feel the pain. I’ve grown accustomed to it and I think I sometimes use it in my life as well, if I can’t feel the pain then nothing can hurt me.

Death is a part of life, but it does bring us closer to God. I know it is hard to understand who God really is and if he really is out there somewhere, but I like to think there is someone who cares more about me than I do. I like to think there is a palace somewhere waiting for me, with a lazy river and a mango tango. It’s about believing in something that is bigger than yourself and believing that there is a plan for everything. I know that my grandma is ready to go, she has been since my grandpa left. The day he died she stood by his bed side and screamed and cried for him to come back. The day he left us was the day she really left us to. To find someone you have given your whole life too, someone you have given your whole heart to, and then one day they are no longer there. That’s the lesson behind all of this. People are going to walk in and out of our lives, it is our job to make it worth the while, it is our job to let go and learn to love and grow and trust, no matter what the end result is. We are not guaranteed another second of life, we are not guaranteed another moment, do not let resentment or greed or selfishness get in the way of anything. Take the opportunity to care about everyone, and in the end if you get hurt or you lose someone, at least it will all be worth it. Time heals all wounds and we will be able to continue on, God will not let us down and he will not let us fall to a place where we can never get up.

It doesn’t matter where my family has gone, I still have love for my Grandma, she was and still is a part of my family and who I am. May God be with you Grandma and let you go in peace without suffering.

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-strength-25-encouraging-scripture-quotes/#ixzz1t9Xb52PN

Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,   I will fear no evil, for you are with me;   your rod and your staff,    they comfort me.

Sometimes I just want my momma!!!

Today I was faced with some hard decisions and some hard reality. After 4 ½ years I had to go to the dentist because of dental pain- I knew the outcome I would not like, but I was not prepared. Once arriving there I was told that both the teeth that were causing pain needed root canals (along with many other issues going on). I tried to fathom what I had done wrong… a root canal?? I can’t afford $1,200 per tooth- I don’t have insurance. So instead of trying to figure out how to fork out $2,400 on 2 teeth I decided to get those 2 teeth pulled and spend the other $2,000 saved on taking care of the rest of my mouth.

            I’m in shock that I’m getting rid of teeth that I will never get back, but it makes me appreciate the value of my teeth a lot more. Something I should have listened to my mom about. She always used to tell me that I needed to take care of my teeth, but I never really cared that much because I just always assumed that teeth could just be replaced, although they can- it is way more expensive.

            I have been hard on my kids about flossing daily, brushing at least once a day if not twice, and rinsing at least once a day if not twice- they always fight me on it, but I will continue to enforce it because if I start these habits today they will continue this for the rest of their life. We all love routines and if this is something they consider routine for them then hopefully I can save their teeth. I do not want my kids to be in the same predicament that I am finding myself in now because I will never get those teeth back. If I’m not careful and not smart then I could lose a lot more… taking time out for yourself is way more important. No one likes going to the dentist, but those are the kind of things you need to do for yourself. In the past 4 years if I would have paid $100 here and there to get a cleaning and check up maybe I could be saving my teeth and money in the long run. I always hate putting a large amount of money down now, but if it saves you in the long run then it really is worth it.

            I wish I could get insurance and hopefully I will be able to get it soon, but only time will tell..

            My mom usually was always the one that had been there for me. Every time I went to the dentist, every time I went to the doctor, when I was in the hospital, when I had my wisdom teeth out, when I had a miscarriage, when I had my D & C.. she was always the one that was there for me. She wasn’t there for me though this time because she wasn’t able to be. I was emotional because I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know if the right choice was getting rid of my teeth and trying to save the others or if I should have done a root canal. I was faced with so many things that all I wanted was someone there with me. Brian was taking care of Logan for me, otherwise I know he would have been there for me. I just wanted someone to tell me what to do, usually I don’t mind making decisions, but I’m always looking for approval- I always want someone to tell me that I’m doing the right thing. I think I need to start thinking about me and what is best for me. I still wanted my mom though.

(This was wrote a couple of weeks ago, not today! My teeth are doing much better thankfully!)

Parenting: Why do I never feel like I amount to something?

I always try to find these great ideas on crafts and DIY stuff to do with my kids. They never seem to ever be that interested in it. I always try to get my son to work on colors, letters, puzzles.. anything when my daughter is at school- but I usually find myself behind my computer or school books while he is standing in front of the television. Am I the only one that ever feels like an awful parent?

Sometimes I wish I could just afford to take my son to a daycare or something because than maybe he’d learn something or he’d be able to play with someone and use his imagination! I just wish I didn’t feel like this. I want him to excel in school and it seems like he has a pretty good memory- I want him to want to learn and want to be good at something. I want him to want to do something other than watch TV, but I am just as much to blame because I allow him to sit there and watch it.

Sometimes I wonder how I could possibly go to work again. Between trying to deal with Chloe’s schedule, clean the house, cook dinner and other things, teach Logan, plus do my own school work… how would I fit in work? Every day it also seems like Chloe’s teacher sends something home for us to work on. Every week it’s a list of things that we should work on, not to mention that her golf instructor wants us to work on skills with them, and then trying to do things together as a family. It seems as though it is non-stop! Then I have time to sit here and write out blogs but I guess I want to feel like other people know what I am talking about, that other parents feel like they are in the same predicament as I am.

Who doesn’t want their kids to be smart, who doesn’t want their kids to be good at something? I realized that in order for our children to be good at something we have to be able to allow them to do something. My kids cannot be good at singing if I don’t give them the tools to sing, my kids cannot be good at sports if I do not let them participate in them, my children cannot be good at school unless I push them to do what they need to…. The list goes on and on. Most of the famous people we see did have their ‘connections’ to people, but a lot of if it has to do with having the right tools to succeed- being good at something because they have been able to practice.

 My hope for my children: I want nothing but the best for you, I want you to succeed, I want you to be something someday- whatever you want to be. I love you more than life itself and there is no way I can honestly describe the way I feel for them. I have never loved something so much in my life and I do not think I ever could, being a parent has been the greatest gift I could have ever asked for…. I may not always be the best parent, or the most fun parent, or the smartest parent, or the most disciplined parent.. but my love is unconditional and I want nothing but the best for you.

The greatest of all is Love

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is no self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

It’s that time of year again when everyone wants to talk about love and they think that showing the person they love one day out of the whole year can prove something… Valentines Day- nothing more than a Hallmark Holiday, so why should I care about it? I like the idea behind it, the idea of being able to share a day with the people you love and appreciating every moment of it. The idea of not dealing with life and what is actually going on and just letting it all be put to the side.

I have watched all the Twilight movies and I just finished reading all of the books as well. After reading them it made me fall in love all over again with Edward; it made me envious of the love that Bella and Edward have. I fell in love with characters, but it was something that seemed so mesmerizing. I fell in love with the idea of love… the absolution of one single person, knowing without a doubt that you were both made for each other, wanting someone so much more than you could ever say or show, and never being able to get enough of someone. Is that not something to be envious of? I am so completely happy that the saga ended the way it did and that there was the happily ever after, because I mean really- who wants the never ending after? I know that it was just a fairy tale and that kind of “love” does not really exist in life or does it? While I was reading the book it was hard for me to not want to actually become a vampire, to not actually want to live in this book! I fell madly in love with these people, I fell madly in love with the place they lived, I fell madly in love with love. “No measure of time with you will be long enough… but let’s start with forever.”

The reason why I read books is because it allows me to go to a place in the world where nothing else exists, where nothing else matters- I can decide if I want to be in a sci-fi place, a criminal place, a fairy tale- I get to decide! I have the ability to be alone yet still exist, although most of the time it seems so real that I cannot see the difference. Love is like a fairy tale, they say it only happens once in a while- true love that is- but I know I’ve had more than one true love.

Love is worth every moment.. the feeling of love is worth every moment…

I know that you can have that overwhelming feeling that is more than lust, where you completely and utterly fall weak in the knees because of someone. The butterflies in your stomach curl up around all the way to your heart, the sensation carries throughout all your veins until finally it allows you to take another breath of air, the oxygen you didn’t even realize you’d been deprived of. The touch, so gentle, so soft… it caresses every piece of who you are.

Herbs, Spices.. and health

What’s really good for my health?: It’s hard to adapt to a new lifestyle of healthy food, but the change is within you!

 

I know that I am a health nut. I would like to think that I could be a personal trainer no problem- but the more I read about health and foods that you should and should not eat- I am just as much to blame as everyone else for having the ‘wrong’ things in my pantry. I try to make a grocery list a head of time that way I know what my meals are going to be and I try to know everything that is going into my food. Do we set our kids up to become obese? Do we allow them to eat 'unhealthy' foods because of the labels we are suckered into? The claims that these companies are allowed to make although the outside of the package may not be as clear as we think it is. They claim that manufactures are adding sugar just because there is a growing demand of a sweet tooth. Americans have forgotten what healthy food was supposed to taste like because we have all gotten sucked into the world of sugar. A test: take away one thing of sugar a day and replace it with something healthy and see the change of how you feel as you progress- I bet not as sluggish and you might actually lose a little weight. The sugar that they are adding in is going to our waistline- and if you don’t get up and work out than it will never go away.

A rule of thumb- well a couple of them- if you want what’s healthiest then stick to the outer edges of the store, they have the fruits, vegetables, meats, and all the healthy foods. Buying frozen foods like fruits and veggies is also okay though because they are usually just as healthy. Another tip- if sugar is in the top 4 ingredients FIND SOMETHING ELSE!!! Most people hate to buy fresh foods a) because they go bad quicker and b) because then that actually requires them to cook a meal. I know that sometimes that can be dreadful, but the benefits that you are giving an entire family is worth it. There are plenty of websites that you can find that show you recipes to make- spend 4-5 hours a day and cook meals for over a month all with fresh food.

What spices do?

Basil: filled with antioxidants; contain oils that prevent bacteria growth and inflammation.       Make fresh pesto by blending 2 cups of fresh basil leaves with 2 tablespoons pine nuts, ¼ cup parmesan, and ¼ cup olive oil.

Peppermint: clear phlegm and mucus; soothes indigestion, gas, menstrual cramps, and IBS.      Add to batch of fruit salad with a squeeze of lime and handful of chopped mint leaves.

Sage: strengthen memory; alleviates effects of asthma and arthritis.            Quick pasta sauce- melt butter in pan until turns light brown, then add handful of sage leaves. Toss with cheese or pumpkin ravioli.

Rosemary: increase cognitive function; can prevent alzheimers and stroke.            Mix together minced rosemary, garlic, lemon juice, and olive oil. Use as a marinade for chicken, steak, pork, and vegetables.

Thyme: rich in iron; protects food from bacterial contamination.      Pair with roasted meat and vegetables, tomato sauce, or scrambled eggs.

Cilantro: creates more insulin.     Chop up some tomatoes, an onion, and a jalapeno, mix with heap of cilantro and you have fresh salsa.

Parsley: anti-inflammatory properties; helps prevent decline in cognitive functions.        Chop and mix with bulgur wheat. Add olive oil, lemon juice, and mint- a nice salad.

Oregano: four times the antioxidant activity of blueberries. Add equal parts fresh parsley and oregano to blender- then slowly drizzle olive or canola oil. Strain and use the infused oil to top grilled fish or chicken. Or as a dip for toasted bread.

Tarragon: improves gastric efficiency and whets the appetite. Grill up a mixture of veggies and sprinkle with fresh goat cheese, tarragon, lemon juice, and olive oil.

All of these spices are great to use and can add some extra calorie free flavors. Also try looking through the spice rack as well because there are just as good things put in a container. I almost dread trying to learn new things, but I really have become accustomed to cooking and baking and have found a love for it- although I must say that pinterest is making me want to lose my mind with all the chocolate lovers out there. I know that I can make them, but I need to watch eating as many. Most people though who would meet me would say that I am crazy if I think I need to watch what I eat- but I do watch what I eat, why do you think I ‘look the way you think I do?’ I work out at least 4 times a week and I always watch what I eat. If I want a chocolate chip cookie I will try to limit myself to 2…. I try to think about what is in what I am eating. Especially if you didn’t make what is going into your body- then you shouldn’t divulge yourself into it. I think that if we read the ingredients and there are over 25 in something that is crazy! It is amazing what people are allowed to put into food and actually quite scary. I would not want to know what I am eating half the time.

            Anyways, I know that I am a health nut and that I really truly care about my body and the people around me, I thought maybe this could help with a little insight.. plus any new recipes. If someone has a great recipe that uses one of these herbs or a spice from the spice rack let me know please!!!

The Game of Tag

Although I do not realy know too many people who are 'bloggers' I will still try to do what I can!

The Rules:

1. You must post the rules.
2. Post eleven fun facts about yourself on the blog post.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you've tagged.
4. Tag eleven people and link them on your post.
5. Let them know you've tagged them!

1. Why do you blog?  I started blogging because I wanted to be able to talk about whatever I wanted without people trying to crticize, argue, or throw their opinions onto me.
2. What's your biggest fear? My biggest fear is never amounting to anything. I want to be something great for my children, I want to be able to show them what people are capable of doing regardless of what life hands you sometimes. I am afraid of never doing anything with myself or being able to get anywhere in life.
3. What's your dream job? My dream job would be a Chief Probation Officer for the Unites States Government. I want to go Federal not just county or state.
4. Do you believe in miracles? This is a difficult question for me to answer, I would like to say that I believe in miracles but I am not sure. I think that babies are miracles-- but there is also science that proves a lot as well.
5. What's your biggest pet peeve?  Annoying people? Is that too broad? I hate when people are hypocritical- how can you say one thing but then do something against what you said!! I hate when people live life in the me, me, me world- when it's always about them and their best interests.
6. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I would like to say I would love to live in Australia because I've always wanted to be there. I could say Mexico because it is so cheap, I could say Florida since that is where I currently reside- but the truth is, I probably want to live where I spent my whole life, but maybe not. There's tennessee that I absolutely love and like I said- Florida the Sunshine state.
7. What's your favorite quote/motto/saying? Happy are those who are willing to dream dreams and pay the price. Sometimes life is about taking that chance or that risk but you have to be willing to deal with the consequences sometimes.
8. What's your favorite food? A couple of months ago I would have said pizza or something greasy but I've gone away from those foods. I really love sweet and sour chicken and now I know how to make it!!! :) But I think my all time favorite food would be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches- quick, easy, and delicious!
9. Are you addicted to Pinterest? I would say half addicted because I am on there a lot, but I do not do a lot with it.
10. Would you rather go sky diving or scuba diving? Oh this seems like an easy question!! I would much rather go sky diving any day of the week. I cannot imagine the feeling of exhiliration and adrenaline when jumping from an airplane. 
11. What's something you splurge on for yourself? Taking me time I guess. I try to take time to run and work out because it is something that makes me feel better about myself. It's a time that I am able to get away and think about whatever.

11 Interesting Facts about me:

1. I have known my best friend since 4th grade! 10 years old- I cannot imagine someone knowing me better than her.
2. I ran my first half marathon in January. I cannot believe I was able to accomplish this.
3. My favorite actress is Julia Roberts: Awe honey I have a run in my panty hose. haha I'm not even wearing panty hose! (Pretty Woman)
4. I am still in school working towards my Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice and will hopefully graduate in 2013.
5. I am a work out addict. I love to run, I love to weight lift, I love to train, and I love to learn about health.
6. I love to cook and bake... and try new recipes.
7. I have 14 tattoos and looking forward to getting more.
8. I am a scrapbooker and LOVE to craft!
9. I am grown up- but sometimes I still feel like I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!
10. I've been through a miscarriage, a divorce, and a fire- Sometimes I allow myself to become envious of other people, but I know that I have become stronger because of all of this.
11. If I could marry any celebrity it would be Pierce Brosnan! :)

I don’t wanna grow up- I’m a toys R us Kid!!!!

Some people are faced with a life decision much earlier than the age that I am now- but apparently I hit this split later in my life. Usually when you are in high school you have to make a decision on where you want to go to school- do you even want to go to school? Where are you going to work? Where are you going to live? There are so many questions to face and you were excited for it all right up until the moment you actually realized what being an adult was all about.

      The perfect scenario: Graduate high school, go to a good college, get a degree in something that will actually have a good chance of producing a job (especially if you have to pay student loans), become stable in your career, get married, have children,….. live happily ever after----

Oh wait, that only happens in the fairy tale stories that I sit and read my children every night. Gosh, how I wish I could be Cinderella or Belle.. they all got there happily ever after, even though they endured a little hardship. Life is not a fairytale though and as children we tend to think that it is- mostly because those are the stories we always hear about, unable to truly process “feelings.”

My scenario: Graduated high school, moved to Minnesota to go to a great school, found out I was pregnant one month after I turned 19, moved back home, quit school, went to work full time, had a baby, got married at 20….. at 24 started school again, (had 2 kids now), worked full time, and got a divorce. Wow- that was a fairy tale if I ever heard one.

Now I am on my way to completing my Bachelor’s degree for Criminal Justice, raising my two (wonderful, most of the time) children, and working out all the time. The other night I was lying in bed and I feel like I was hit with a major panic attack- life attacked me while I was trying to sleep. I sat there and asked “What the hell are you doing Jamie???” Maybe it was the first time I thought this since my life had done a complete whirlwind in the past two years.. it’s been almost two years exactly since all the major changes occurred. I thought about Where I was headed, what I wanted out of life and what I was doing in order to get there, what I wanted for my children and how I was going to get that, how I would make my ex pay for his children too, and why I was going to school for criminal justice when I was never going to be able to find a job with that degree. I sat and thought that maybe I could just go to school for nursing since I had been in that field before and we will always need nurses- I could at least get a job and start making good money.. I’ve always wanted to be a personal trainer as well because I love to work out and If I can make people feel the way I do about not only exercise but food as well- then it would be a win win, but becoming a personal trainer would be hard to get started… I have $25,000 in student loans as of right now and I do not have a job in the career I want.. nor do I see myself magically finding a job- or knowing the “right people” to get my foot in the door. How has life come to that? It’s no longer really about your experience or education, it is about who you know and what they can do for you. The anxiety attack only got me down for a little while- until my sleep medication kicked in.

      So now I’ve come to the conclusion- I don’t want to grow up anymore, I just want to go back to being a kid with no worries in the world. Kids these days really have no idea how great it is to be a child. They are upset because they cant be as independent as they want to be, but gosh it’s better than having the whole world rest on your shoulders, hoping and praying to God that you are making the right decisions and if you don’t- hopefully god will be there by your side.

“God can bless a good decision, and God can redeem a bad decision, but God can do nothing with indecision.” (Pastor Jason tash)